Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
