so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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