i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
