I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
