I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
