we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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