you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
