I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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