I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
