apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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