i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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