next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
