I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
