Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
