I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
