You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
