Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
