I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
