i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
