I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
