If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
