I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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