Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
