i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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