I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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