I faked an abortion last night.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
did you just send me my own nude
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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