I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
