Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I think I just sharted jello shots
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