your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
