He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
