Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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