It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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