I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
false alarm, still single
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
