I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
