I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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