I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
