Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
