Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
