Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
