even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
