Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
