is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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