My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Randomize
