Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
