i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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