my phone needs a breathalizer
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
