walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
