Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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