I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
