oh god the rape fog is back!
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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